Chapter 13: The Longcut of Anger

Chapter 13: The Longcut of Anger

            In 1869, a Christian missionary had no church funds with which to purchase furniture for the mission. So he bought furniture with his own money. When he was ready to return home, he took the furniture with him. A fellow church member accused him of stealing church property, which deeply hurt his feelings to the point of anger. He thought of ways to retaliate, but instead wrote words that later became a hymn:

            School thy feelings, O my brother; train thy warm, impulsive soul.
            Do not its emotions smother, but let wisdom’s voice control.
            School thy feelings; there is power in the cool, collected mind.
            Passion shatters reason’s tower, makes the clearest vision blind.

                        (Text: Charles W. Penrose, 1832–1925. © 1948 IRI)

            How times have changed from 1869 to today when anger is considered normal and even entertaining on radio, television, and in movies. Talk show hosts use angry, inflammatory words to make and exaggerate their point. Sitcoms skillfully use anger as comedy. Venting anger has been touted as healthy. But there is no spin on anger in real life. Anger is like a dagger that hurts and scars; it’s ugly and contagious. Anger is a knife that wounds the angry person and destroys relationships. Anger stirs emotions. “The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster. Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off, let feelings chill for several days; serve cold. Lots of leftovers” (Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998, 80). As anger builds, reason recedes. Anger is the polar opposite of love. Anger short-circuits wisdom and sound judgment. Making “a decision while angry is like a captain [putting] out to sea in a raging storm. Only injury and wreckage result from wrathful moments” (ElRay L. Christiansen, “Be Slow to Anger,” Ensign, June 1971, 37).

            The rungs of the anger ladder show a pattern of escalating emotion. The higher you climb up the anger ladder the more at risk you are to losing control and harming someone. Hopefully, most often you aren’t even near an anger ladder and if you do start to climb, you realize it quickly and climb down quickly. However, as you know from personal experience, anger can sneak up on you. You can feel neutral, perhaps even peaceful and happy. Then something happens. It may be the smallest, most innocent hint of a challenge, a threat, a rebuke, a fear, a disappointment. It’s small and at this point, harmless. But you are on the first rung, feeling slightly annoyed. You probably don’t even realize you’ve stepped onto the ladder, and no one would know you are on the ladder because your behavior is normal. Whatever degree of anxiety you are feeling is manageable. The very best solution is to step off of the ladder now. If you don’t step off, the next rung is when you feel increasing anxiety.

            You are still able to function normally, but your attention is focused on the person or problem. If you step to the next rung, you may answer a question impatiently or sarcastically. You find it difficult to respond in a normal way and may even start looking around for someone to blame. On the next rung your thinking becomes acting out. You may yell at the umpire or accuse or blame your husband or wife for whatever you think caused your anger. If you allow your anger to continue, later you’ll be describing this situation to someone and you’ll say, “Boy, when I get angry, I get really angry.” Picture yourself on the anger ladder high above the ground, not thinking clearly, emotions swirling. If your anger continues to climb, your thinking becomes irrational. You feel desperate and are completely focused on your pain. You are a danger to yourself and/or others. When annoyance, irritation, or frustration turn to rage, violence often becomes anger’s by-product. The angrier the person becomes, the less human the object of his anger seems. The object of the anger is dehumanized as an inanimate target. Anger is also frightening to bystanders who witness the human hurricane, as I felt when the man who had not caused the accident was pounding on cars and pulling his hair in chapter four. Anger hijacks your wisdom and common sense.

            You’ve heard it said, “It’s good to let off steam,” supporting the idea that venting anger is healthy. It’s not true. More harm is done to the angry person if he expresses his anger than if he represses it, but neither expressing nor repressing is beneficial. Expressing anger inappropriately is a learned response. Aggressive actions such as screaming, yelling, swearing, throwing things, giving the silent treatment, and name-calling are all learned strategies of ways to express anger. Since these strategies were learned, they can be unlearned. You can replace old bad habits with new healthy ones. And the best way to deal with anger is when it’s a spark rather than a blaze, and since anger feeds on anger, it’s so important to resolve issues in the spark stage because as you know, anger spreads. You may start out with one angry person and end up with a mob.

            Knowing where you are on the anger ladder is important. You need to have enough self-awareness to say: “I know anger is my choice. No one can make me angry. I don’t want to become angry. I know anger clouds my good sense and wisdom.” It’s so easy to begin to feel angry without realizing what triggered your anger. You can, so to speak, kick the dog because you can’t kick your wife, or yell at your wife because you can’t yell at your boss. You feel slighted at work so you feel justified in slighting your child. This is called displacement or projection. You project your anger onto someone or something else. You remove yourself from taking responsibility for your anger by redirecting or displacing your anger away from you.

            Hopefully, you will catch yourself justifying your anger, telling yourself lies such as: “He made me angry.” The truth is you make yourself angry. No one can make you angry. In reality, that is as inaccurate as saying, “The ice cream made me fat,” when you are the one who moves the spoon to your mouth. Someone or something can’t make you angry. Another common excuse is “I can’t help it.” That’s the same as saying, “I can’t help eating ice cream.” Allowing yourself to become angry is your choice. That’s why Charles Penrose chose the word school, which means to train, to educate, and to discipline. You can learn to control anger.           

            Anger is dangerous in that it limits your ability to think rationally. One morning a friend called me and briefly described a situation which didn’t make a lot of sense to me. As I learned later, she was withholding essential information. Anyway, her voice was somewhere between sobbing and yelling. She asked me what she could do to control the anger she was feeling. I said, “How angry are you? Are you mad, angry, or feeling rage?”

            How do you define rage?” she asked.

            “Rage is anger intensified to violence,” I said.

            “I just called my husband’s boss and yelled at him” she confessed. “I have never felt like this before in my life. I feel out of control.”

            So we talked until she felt she could deal with the situation. A month or so later, she thanked me for helping her that morning and said, “I never want to get that angry again. My emotions and body seemed separate from my brain. I can see how I could actually hurt someone. I scared myself. I didn’t know I could feel such emotion and act so irrationally.”

            Most anger is an unintelligent waste of energy, emotion, and time. The following really happened: A man and his friend were golfing. Golfing to this man was serious business. At the second tee, he swung. The ball went farther than he anticipated, and he didn’t see where it landed. A long string of obscenities and curses polluted the green. A golf course worker who was standing nearby saw the ball land.”Go look in the cup,” he said to the angry man. The golfer couldn’t see the ball because he had hit a hole in one! He could have saved all that negative emotion by simply taking a minute to find the ball. I hate to imagine the other things this man got angry at if not being able to see where a golf ball landed caused that level of anger.             Becoming angry over not being able to see a golf ball shows the golfer has a level of anger that lies right under the surface and is easily, very easily triggered. If he gets that angry over a golf swing, what’s he like when something major goes wrong. When this degree of anger is evidenced, anger management classes and or professional help may be needed to resolve anger tendencies and habits, but it can’t hurt to try simpler solutions before seeking professional help. Perhaps some of the following ideas may also help:

·      Pray. Catholics have a prayer for this purpose:

               “O Lord, must I fear Your wrath? 

               Retribution is Yours by right!

               May I never dishonour Your Divinity,

               My soul seeking to maintain Your love.

               Shape my being into earnest kindness,

               A reflection of Your perfection.

               Grant me the grace of self-control,

               That I may not display any anger.

               Should I have such an outburst,

               Instantly remind me to seek redress,

               For such is offensive to You.

               Anger is Yours alone to avenge!”

Or you can express your feelings to God in your own simple words. “Father in Heaven, Please help me. Help me control my anger.” ·      Speak softer. “Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, unless the house is on fire” (David O. McKay, Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, 294). If you turn up the volume on your voice, it’s just like saying, “I’m losing control. When you feel your anger and voice simultaneously rising, consciously stop and listen to your own voice. If what you hear is yelling or screaming, stop. Take a deep breath and start speaking in a more controlled volume. Many people also start talking faster when they become angry. Slow down. Your brain will have more chance to give you helpful ideas if you are thinking more and speaking slower. (Speaking less is also a good idea. You mother was right again. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.) If someone is becoming angry at you, lowering the tone of your voice can help. Usually the other person will match your volume without even noticing it. When voices are in control, anger is more controlled. ·      Use your smile. From chapter nine, “Feed Your Agency with Happiness,” you know that the physical act of smiling has a positive effect on brain functions. Here are a few additional facts. There are two kinds of smiles—Duchenne and non-Duchenne—genuine and fake. A Duchenne smile not only pulls up the corners of the mouth but also causes a wrinkling around the eyes, and that’s how you can tell a real smile from a counterfeit. The non-Duchenne only involves the mouth. An unattributed proverb says: “You don't smile because you are happy, you are happy because you smile.” There is evidence that negative emotions, even grief, are reduced by smiling. ·      Listen. As mentioned above, listen to yourself and your tone of voice. More importantly, listen to what others are saying. Listen for neutral ground or commonalities to resolve the issue. Listen for feelings. Listen with empathy. Listen, and while you are listening, notice that you are quiet. Anger can be reduced by quiet. Listen while the emotions you are feeling dissipate. Let your anger out into open space where it can do no harm. A beautiful idea is found in the Bible, the book of Psalms: “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 42:10). ·      Talk it through. From the talk quoted earlier, ElRay L. Christiansen gave this little rhyme: “A little explained, a little endured, a little passed over, and the quarrel is cured.” One way talking things out has helped in my marriage is when we walk and talk. Somehow the parallel action of moving side-by-side has been greatly beneficial. ·      Ask for a hug. About ten years ago, I heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger take a call on her radio talk show from a woman who often became angry at her husband and children. Dr. Laura suggested a plan. From my memory, it went like this: “The next time you begin to feel anger, stop the anger midstream and ask someone to give you a hug. Try it for a few days and report back.” When the woman called back, she told about the first time she tried using a hug to neutralize anger. She said she was playing with her three young children and tending her hyperactive nephew when she started getting angry. She said she decided to try Dr. Laura’s suggestion and said to her eight-year-old son, “Mama needs a hug.” The request took the child by surprise. He hesitated. The mother said that fear struck her as she realized that he might refuse. Then he ran to her. She said her anger dissolved as she hugged him back? The woman went on to tell how another time she called a friend for a telephone hug. Again the anger was calmed. ·      Remove yourself from the situation, if you feel out of control. If you can’t physically remove yourself, go somewhere in your brain. The old suggestion of counting to ten is a way to temporarily remove yourself from the trigger, and that’s often long enough for your good sense to override an out-of-control angry response. Counting to ten is a very anger-neutral idea and diverts your attention to something else. ·      Refuse to be detonated by external or internal triggers. Even a bomb can’t explode without something to ignite it. Pay attention; become more self-aware. ·      Use your justified anger to do something constructive. That’s how MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, began. About thirty years ago a mother with a broken heart vowed to do something about her daughter’s death. She would fight against the evil that took her daughter—a drunk driver. She began a most successful grassroots organization. Who can calculate the number of deaths that didn’t happen because one mother kept her anger focused for a positive good. Today, no one considers drunk driving as acceptable behavior. ·      Get help. When your angry episodes continue and the self-help ideas suggested here don’t help, you may need to enroll in an anger management course. You must learn to control your anger before it controls you. Type “anger management” into your search engine and different course options taught in your vicinity will come up.

Agency-Preserving Principles

Take wisdom and counsel from those who have walked the road of life before you.	“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at   someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.” Albert Einstein “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”   Ralph Waldo Emerson “He who angers you conquers you.” Elizabeth Kenny
Never believe you will be the exception to the laws of nature.	“According to a study from Ohio State University, those who had less control over their anger tended to heal more slowly from wounds. Researchers gave blisters to 98 participants and found that, after 8 days, those who had less control over their anger also tended to be slower healers. In addition, those participants also tended to have more cortisol (a stress hormone) in their system during the blistering procedure, suggesting that they may be more stressed by difficult situations as well.       “Another study from Harvard School of Public Health studied hostility in men and found that those with higher rates of hostility not only had poorer pulmonary functioning (breathing problems), but experienced higher rates of decline as they aged” (http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/anger_problems.htm).
Know you will harvest what you sow.	Anger has been in the world since Cane killed Abel. They were brothers. The best place to learn anger management is in the home. The best example is parents who control their anger and never use anger to control others.
Learn the lessons of history so you won’t repeat the mistakes.	“One dangerous myth about an ‘anger problem’ is that it only involves aggression, abuse, hurting people, or destroying property. Such behaviors are merely the extreme end of the anger spectrum, indicating but one of many kinds of anger problems. Though we associate extreme behaviors with anger, in reality most of the anger we experience in the course of our lives is unconscious. You are never aware of most of your anger. By the time you do know that you're resentful or angry, it's already in an advanced stage, when the techniques taught in anger management classes – ‘managing’ angry feelings and arousal - run the risk of being too little too late.      “A more viable target for prevention of anger problems is the subtle types of anger that lie outside conscious awareness. Subtle anger forms the undercurrent for the waves of overt anger that cause more infamous acting out behavior like aggression, abuse, etc. Without the chronic, low-grade ebb and flow of subtle anger, there would be very little violence and abuse” (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200901/anger-problems-prevention)
Find the power in resisting impulse, persisting, and delaying gratification.	“One sure sign of an anger problem, whether hidden or subtle or obvious, is feeling like all your troubles are the fault of someone else. If it seems that other people are always trying to put you down or push your buttons, you may be a reactaholic, in which case your thoughts, feelings, and behavior are controlled by whomever or whatever you're reacting to at the moment. The more reactive you are, the more powerless you feel; anger is in many ways a cry of powerlessness” (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200901/anger-problems-prevention). Resist this thought pattern, and as you do instead of feeling powerlessness you will feel a power beginning to give you confidence.
Develop personal integrity and make moral decisions.	Controlling anger is part of integrity. As you build more integrity into your life, you will have the ability to address any anger you feel by taking responsibility for your anger and by resisting the urge to become angry. More integrity will lead to more power to persist in achieving a level of compassion for others that will lessen the level of anger you feel. There will be times you will be legitimately frustrated or sad, but you will not want to hurt others, not emotionally, not intellectually, not physically. As you resist becoming angry, you will have more self-control.
Know that others see things you don’t and welcome their perspectives.	If someone tells you that you have an anger problem, welcome their perspective and do something about it.
Work, Work, Work.	Don’t try to control your anger. Try is lazy. Only when you work to control your anger will you be successful.
Make goals, write them down, use failure avoidance, prioritize, avoid procrastination.	As you become less angry, less often, you will like yourself better, and you will be more able to make a difference in others’ lives. The less anger you have inside you, the more agency you will have. As you make and achieve goals without anger, more options and more opportunities will open to you.
Value yourself. Know you can make a difference. Do good to feel good.	As you eliminate anger from your personality, you will feel better about yourself. When your anger turns into helping someone else, you become an example to others. Use positive sources of anger to better society, of which Mothers Against Drunk Drivers is an excellent example.
Develop a happy inner core.	Good humor helps develop a happy inner core. Mark Twain said: “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
Develop the backbone to say “NO!”	“Expressing anger is a form of public littering” (Willard Gaylin). Say “no” to the first intimations of anger. Stay off the anger ladder.